I cannot say too much about our situation, but our evil adoption agency has stolen almost $10K of our money and is trying to block the finalization of our adoption. We are hemorrhaging money to our attorneys to try to get rid of them.
Thankfully, the custody of our children is not in question. They are ours.
But friends, please pray for us. Pray to St. Michael to protect us from evil. Pray to the Virgin of Guadalupe to protect our children and our whole family. Pray to God that his Wisdom and Justice will prevail.
Showing posts with label Adoption. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Adoption. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Sunday, March 2, 2014
News
I am overflowing with joy to announce that DH and I have become the parents of newborn twins through the blessing of open domestic adoption. Please keep their birthmother in your prayers, as she is grieving.
Though we are overjoyed to become parents at last, we have had to deal with on-going financial struggles with our adoption agency, whom we have reported to the attorney general in our state.
I am looking forward to continuing to blog here about infertility, adoption, the ethics of adoption, adoption agencies, and our experience with adoption, if I can do it in a way that manages to protect the privacy of both the children and their birthmother.
If you are a regular reader of this blog and would like to see a picture, please drop me an email.
I am still infertile, a member of that great sisterhood whose bodies don't make babies. I continue to pray for all of you on your journeys and discernments, and I hope to keep up with you via your blogs. As I will never mommy-blog, I do hope you'll keep up with me, even though I have as they say, crossed over.
Monday, December 2, 2013
Untelling
For three weeks, DH and I thought we would be parents this Advent. I spoke to an expectant mother, she chose us, we met her and got to know her better, and then mere weeks before the birth, she decided to parent.
We were praying all along that she would make the best decision for herself and her family, and we trust that God has answered our prayers.
And now, I have to get down to the grim business of untelling. My boss has been resisting my efforts to advocate for a maternity leave for adoptive mothers. I untold him.
My friends with babies have been giving me baby clothes and advice. I untold them.
My piano teacher, people in my choir, I untold them.
There are many silver linings to this situation. It's better to receive this news one week before the birth than two days after. I might meet my work deadlines. I can go to my conference in January and see all my grad school friends.
But still, it's hard orient ourselves to this new, new reality.
We were praying all along that she would make the best decision for herself and her family, and we trust that God has answered our prayers.
And now, I have to get down to the grim business of untelling. My boss has been resisting my efforts to advocate for a maternity leave for adoptive mothers. I untold him.
My friends with babies have been giving me baby clothes and advice. I untold them.
My piano teacher, people in my choir, I untold them.
There are many silver linings to this situation. It's better to receive this news one week before the birth than two days after. I might meet my work deadlines. I can go to my conference in January and see all my grad school friends.
But still, it's hard orient ourselves to this new, new reality.
Monday, October 14, 2013
How to Choose an Adoption Agency, Part I
Perhaps I'm jumping the gun by writing this post; after all, we are towards the beginning of our adoption journey. However, I have seen a number of blog posts recently which made my heart ache, because couples have been poorly served by their adoption agencies. No one deserves this, particularly infertiles who have already been repeatedly traumatized on their journeys to parenthood. So I've put together these posts in the hopes that future prospective adoptive parents (PAPs) can avoid further heartache and trauma.
1. Why use an adoption agency?
Many couples do not use an adoption agency at all. Instead, they network to find birthparents and then use lawyers to handle the legal transfer of parental rights. I do not recommend this. An honest and ethical agency can help you avoid minefields.
Case in point: I recently read the heartbreaking story of a couple who found an expectant mother, flew to her city for the birth, met the baby in the nursery, fed him, changed his diapers, took him back to where they were staying and parented him for two weeks. Then their lawyer called. The birthmom wanted her baby back.
But there's a catch here: The mother had never signed the TPR (Termination of Parental Rights) papers. The baby did not legally belong to the adoptive parents. Not only was there nothing they could do, but there's a word for taking a child with whom you have no legal relationship. It begins with a "k".
An ethical adoption agency would have both protected both the mother and the PAPs by insisting that the PAPs not cultivate a relationship with the baby before the papers had been signed. Perhaps there are adoption attorneys who would do the same thing, but an attorney's primary responsibility is to handle paperwork, not review best adoption practices with PAPs.
Another factor is cost. I was stunned to learn that adoption attorney's can charge as much as $30,000 per adoption! From what I've seen, many agencies charge less and give you more.
An ethical agency will also offer counseling and post-placement support to birthmothers (see #3 below).
2. Does the agency have a religious affiliation? Is the religious affiliation the same as yours?
If the agency has a religious affiliation that is not your own BEWARE. There are agencies which require all PAPs to sign a "statement of faith" which you may or may not share. (For example, a very large Christian organization here in the US requires PAPs to sign a statement of faith which Catholics cannot sign.)
If you are considering a religious agency, bring up your (different) religion in the first phone call. "We're _________. Do you work with ________ couples?" Also, make sure that the denomination of the adoption agency does not have a record of problems with your denomination. You do not want to encounter any discrimination from your adoption agency once you have signed up with them, as it could involve an extended wait.
I hate to point out particular denominations, but evangelical Christians have a reputation for thinking that no one is saved except fellow evangelicals. If you were evangelical, would you want to adopt children to parents who were bound for hell? No, you would not.
3. What support services does the agency have for mothers, both before and after placement?
Every time I hear a blogger complaining that an adoption agency "only cares about birthmothers," I roll my eyes. Keep in mind that as PAPs, you are the most powerful member in the adoption triad. I know you don't feel this way. I know that you feel that you are powerless because your body can't do what everyone else's body can. But you are the ones who have tens of thousands of dollars that you can spend on this adoption. You're the one who can provide a child a stable safe home and myriad educational and economic opportunities. Women who are even considering making an adoption plan have none of this. You are not the one who is facing the painful choice of either parenting a child without the financial or emotional resources to do so, or placing her in the care of complete strangers, where you may not ever see her again.
If an adoption agency can be trusted to be fair and just to the vulnerable women who are not paying them, then they are more likely to be fair and just to you. The reverse is also true.
If an agency doesn't have much support for birthmothers, especially post-placement counseling, I would think twice about signing up with them.
These women are entrusting us with the most precious thing in the world. The least we can do is make sure they have the support they need during the most difficult times of their lives.
4. What is the agency's reputation?
This is tricky, because it involves digging up dirt on agencies on-line. Most agencies have at least a few negative reviews. Read the content of the reviews and try to ascertain whether the complaints are 1) consistent with one another and 2) reasonable. Pay no attention if the reviewer is complaining, "They only care about birthmothers." Or "They didn't return my non-returnable applications materials." (Yes, this is an actual quote.)
But if review after review alleges that the agency mistreats birthmothers, be very, very careful about proceeding. If the agency pressures or coerces mothers into placing their babies, this is not the kind of agency you want involved with your family.
You can also post a query on on-line adoption forums. Many of these websites have a policy against gossiping about particular agencies, but you can ask that people who have used the agencies in question respond to you via private message or email. Again, take everything you learn with a grain of salt.
Next up: Wait Times, Fee Schedules, and Home Studies
1. Why use an adoption agency?
Many couples do not use an adoption agency at all. Instead, they network to find birthparents and then use lawyers to handle the legal transfer of parental rights. I do not recommend this. An honest and ethical agency can help you avoid minefields.
Case in point: I recently read the heartbreaking story of a couple who found an expectant mother, flew to her city for the birth, met the baby in the nursery, fed him, changed his diapers, took him back to where they were staying and parented him for two weeks. Then their lawyer called. The birthmom wanted her baby back.
But there's a catch here: The mother had never signed the TPR (Termination of Parental Rights) papers. The baby did not legally belong to the adoptive parents. Not only was there nothing they could do, but there's a word for taking a child with whom you have no legal relationship. It begins with a "k".
An ethical adoption agency would have both protected both the mother and the PAPs by insisting that the PAPs not cultivate a relationship with the baby before the papers had been signed. Perhaps there are adoption attorneys who would do the same thing, but an attorney's primary responsibility is to handle paperwork, not review best adoption practices with PAPs.
Another factor is cost. I was stunned to learn that adoption attorney's can charge as much as $30,000 per adoption! From what I've seen, many agencies charge less and give you more.
An ethical agency will also offer counseling and post-placement support to birthmothers (see #3 below).
2. Does the agency have a religious affiliation? Is the religious affiliation the same as yours?
If the agency has a religious affiliation that is not your own BEWARE. There are agencies which require all PAPs to sign a "statement of faith" which you may or may not share. (For example, a very large Christian organization here in the US requires PAPs to sign a statement of faith which Catholics cannot sign.)
If you are considering a religious agency, bring up your (different) religion in the first phone call. "We're _________. Do you work with ________ couples?" Also, make sure that the denomination of the adoption agency does not have a record of problems with your denomination. You do not want to encounter any discrimination from your adoption agency once you have signed up with them, as it could involve an extended wait.
I hate to point out particular denominations, but evangelical Christians have a reputation for thinking that no one is saved except fellow evangelicals. If you were evangelical, would you want to adopt children to parents who were bound for hell? No, you would not.
3. What support services does the agency have for mothers, both before and after placement?
Every time I hear a blogger complaining that an adoption agency "only cares about birthmothers," I roll my eyes. Keep in mind that as PAPs, you are the most powerful member in the adoption triad. I know you don't feel this way. I know that you feel that you are powerless because your body can't do what everyone else's body can. But you are the ones who have tens of thousands of dollars that you can spend on this adoption. You're the one who can provide a child a stable safe home and myriad educational and economic opportunities. Women who are even considering making an adoption plan have none of this. You are not the one who is facing the painful choice of either parenting a child without the financial or emotional resources to do so, or placing her in the care of complete strangers, where you may not ever see her again.
If an adoption agency can be trusted to be fair and just to the vulnerable women who are not paying them, then they are more likely to be fair and just to you. The reverse is also true.
If an agency doesn't have much support for birthmothers, especially post-placement counseling, I would think twice about signing up with them.
These women are entrusting us with the most precious thing in the world. The least we can do is make sure they have the support they need during the most difficult times of their lives.
4. What is the agency's reputation?
This is tricky, because it involves digging up dirt on agencies on-line. Most agencies have at least a few negative reviews. Read the content of the reviews and try to ascertain whether the complaints are 1) consistent with one another and 2) reasonable. Pay no attention if the reviewer is complaining, "They only care about birthmothers." Or "They didn't return my non-returnable applications materials." (Yes, this is an actual quote.)
But if review after review alleges that the agency mistreats birthmothers, be very, very careful about proceeding. If the agency pressures or coerces mothers into placing their babies, this is not the kind of agency you want involved with your family.
You can also post a query on on-line adoption forums. Many of these websites have a policy against gossiping about particular agencies, but you can ask that people who have used the agencies in question respond to you via private message or email. Again, take everything you learn with a grain of salt.
Next up: Wait Times, Fee Schedules, and Home Studies
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Manifold Updates
My longest ever absence from this blog was born not out of sorrow or trauma, but out of simply being overwhelmed by all the adoption-related stuff. In addition, I have been doing a ton of writing at work lately. Most days, all I do is write all day long. This has completely sapped my writing energy. I rarely work on Sundays, but the very last thing I want to do on my one day off is MORE WRITING.
But my two loyal readers probably wouldn't mind an update, so here it is:
1) Homestudy: We are done with our part of the homestudy, but we are waiting for a police clearance from Washington, DC, which is about to run out of money due to the shut down. So basically, though we filled out the form two months ago, our homestudy has been delayed indefinitely due to forces beyond our control.
2) Adoption Profile: I have finished a draft of this. I need to send it to our neighbor the graphic designer for feedback, but I'm so depressed by the whole endeavor that I can't manage to. DH and I simply aren't picture people. We didn't even own a camera until we bought one specifically to take pictures for our profile. We have hardly any pictures of us, other than the ones we took specifically for the profile. There is nothing to be done about the fact that we have limited photos, but the reality depresses me and makes me self-conscious nonetheless.
And...things have been difficult in our marriage recently. Being married is a funny thing, isn't it. The moment you say your vows, bitching to your girlfriends about how your boyfriend is always late, talks too much, doesn't do enough housework, etc. becomes an act of disloyalty. So I end up feeling like mine is the only marriage with so much strife. Which is why I like complaining about this on my blog, because I KNOW ya'll don't have perfect marriages.
The Adoption Profile itself has been causing a lot of the fights, along with DH's continued underemployment. DH told me that he would take care of the profile, being unemployed and all. Plus, I am visually incompetent and the thought of choosing fonts and background colors makes me feel exhausted and overwhelmed.
But I ended up doing most of the work, because it turns out that DH isn't all that great with software and spent two weeks trying to create the profile on iStudio, the worst publishing software EVER. I switched the whole thing to MS Powerpoint and worked on it every night after coming home from work, which, I believe I've mentioned before, has been completely sapping my writing energy.
So, in the event that you were unemployed, dear reader, would you, after your dear wife came home exhausted on Friday evening, cooked you both dinner and then plunked herself down in front of the computer to finish the profile, repeatedly moan about having poor, low-quality photographers? When your dear wife, in tears, begged you--BEGGED you--not to keep repeating that because she found it demoralizing to finish the profile while you kept reminding her of the difficulty of the task, would you get angry, storm off, and NAP ON THE COUCH WHILE SHE FINISHED THE PROFILE HERSELF???? And then, after a night in which you found yourself with the bed to yourself, because your dear wife had taken refuge in the guest bedroom, would you then proceed to point out to her all the ways in which SHE mishandled the situation?
In other news, for the second year in a row, I will be taking the cats to the vet because DH "forgot" to get their vaccinations updated, even though we must get this taken care of for our homestudy to remain valid. Did I mention that he's unemployed and that now I must take time off work to get the cats vaccinated?
I'm still sleeping in the guest bedroom, and will be for the foreseeable future.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Afraid of the Dark
Thanks to all who replied to my questions about TEBB. I think I'm going to schedule a visit with my pelvic pain specialist when I'm having the weird clotting black spotting and make him do some cultures. If nothing odd turns up, perhaps I'll revisit after we adopt. To be perfectly honest, I'm not entirely sure that it's a good idea to throw antibiotics at every case of TEBB, especially in the absence of positive cultures. Antibiotics wipe out good bacteria, not only in the digestive tract, but in the sinus cavities, ear canal, vagina, etc., and it can take a long time to rebuild.
But for now I need to be done with TTC for my own mental health.
We went to our adoption orientation, and it was fantastic. The agency seems to be a good fit with our values and ethos, the other couples were lovely, and best of all, they were very reassuring that they only accept as many couples as they anticipate placing within a year, and they only accept couples whom they feel are a good match for their birthmothers!
Despite all this reassurance, I'm struggling a bit.
The first issue is that we need to send in our big fat check. Once we do this, it's irrevocable. The money is gone, and it's a lot of money. DH and I have been discerning adoption for years now, and we had agreed that this is our best bet for becoming parents. We asked ourselves whether we could really pursue open adoption, and decided that not only could we do it, we didn't want any other kind of adoption. But now that we are on the verge of mailing the big fat check, I'm hesitating.
I want the safety and security of what is known: our current childless life. I'm like a child afraid of the dark. I'm afraid of where this path will lead. I'm afraid of the heartache that adoption, and parenthood, will inevitably bring. I'm afraid of the unknown and the unseen.
But for now I need to be done with TTC for my own mental health.
We went to our adoption orientation, and it was fantastic. The agency seems to be a good fit with our values and ethos, the other couples were lovely, and best of all, they were very reassuring that they only accept as many couples as they anticipate placing within a year, and they only accept couples whom they feel are a good match for their birthmothers!
Despite all this reassurance, I'm struggling a bit.
The first issue is that we need to send in our big fat check. Once we do this, it's irrevocable. The money is gone, and it's a lot of money. DH and I have been discerning adoption for years now, and we had agreed that this is our best bet for becoming parents. We asked ourselves whether we could really pursue open adoption, and decided that not only could we do it, we didn't want any other kind of adoption. But now that we are on the verge of mailing the big fat check, I'm hesitating.
I want the safety and security of what is known: our current childless life. I'm like a child afraid of the dark. I'm afraid of where this path will lead. I'm afraid of the heartache that adoption, and parenthood, will inevitably bring. I'm afraid of the unknown and the unseen.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Help, Thanks, WOW!!!!!*
Thank you all for your prayers! We got word today that we have passed the next round of screening by the adoption agency! This means that we are all but approved, pending police clearance and home study.
*More liberal borrowing from Anne Lamott.
*More liberal borrowing from Anne Lamott.
Friday, June 7, 2013
In which I cut my heart out, put it in an envelope, and mail it away
DH and I finally finished the monster application for the agency, complete with 100 supporting documents (slight exaggeration) and 10 pages of essay questions (no exaggeration).
DH is back in school and had a midterm yesterday, so even though I have a terrible cold/flu, it was up to me to feverishly (literally) run from home to work to UPS and back. By the time I got home, my whole body ached, my head throbbed, and my unrelenting cough had returned. I fell into bed and slept for three hours.
And now we wait.
I'm trying not to read up on reasons that an adoption agency would reject an applicant. In our case, I feel like if we were turned down, it would be because of debt and DH's unreliable employment situation. On the other hand, many people turn to adoption after they have maxed out their credit cards from IVF treatments and then they have to borrow against their home equity to finance the adoption. Luckily, DH and I are not in this situation, but we do have some credit card debt, medical debt (from my surgery) and DH has a debt from a mistake he made years ago that we only recently found out about. But it makes us look bad.
Now that the application is finally off our desks, I'm trying to get back to work, stay away from the Google, and not think about it much.
Pray for us!
DH is back in school and had a midterm yesterday, so even though I have a terrible cold/flu, it was up to me to feverishly (literally) run from home to work to UPS and back. By the time I got home, my whole body ached, my head throbbed, and my unrelenting cough had returned. I fell into bed and slept for three hours.
And now we wait.
I'm trying not to read up on reasons that an adoption agency would reject an applicant. In our case, I feel like if we were turned down, it would be because of debt and DH's unreliable employment situation. On the other hand, many people turn to adoption after they have maxed out their credit cards from IVF treatments and then they have to borrow against their home equity to finance the adoption. Luckily, DH and I are not in this situation, but we do have some credit card debt, medical debt (from my surgery) and DH has a debt from a mistake he made years ago that we only recently found out about. But it makes us look bad.
Now that the application is finally off our desks, I'm trying to get back to work, stay away from the Google, and not think about it much.
Pray for us!
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Let the paperwork commence!
I so should not be posting this when I'm supposed to be working....but a big fat envelope arrived in our mailbox yesterday. We passed the initial screening and the agency sent us the extended application!
DH and I spent an hour on the short answers for the questionnaire last night. We didn't even start on the essay questions, and we're not even done with the short answers.
DH and I spent an hour on the short answers for the questionnaire last night. We didn't even start on the essay questions, and we're not even done with the short answers.
Monday, May 6, 2013
Expecting--just a little bit
One of the hardest things about infertility is the lack of social acknowledgement. When someone announces a pregnancy, communities respond with heartfelt congratulations, with showers. My friends tell me that when they are visibly pregnant, strangers smile and offer congratulations.
Infertility, in contrast, is surrounded by silence. When I first told my friends and family, I got lots of sympathy and offers of prayers. But when the period of TTC stretches from months into years, people follow my lead. And since I never seem to want to talk about it, my friends never bring it up.
After years of silence, I was unprepared for the following:
My distant uncle and his wife were in our city were business. They had missed our wedding and wanted to meet DH, so after work, we headed over to their hotel for drinks. After an hours or two of chitchat, my aunt asked, "So, I was so happy to read in your Thank You card that you guys are saving for adoption! How's that going?"
So I told her that the very next day, we were going to send in the initial application form. My aunt and uncle both beamed and said, "Congratulations! We are so excited for you!"
I was completely caught off-guard by this. I am so used to disappointment and its attendant silence, that I couldn't believe someone was actually congratulating us on our plans to build our family.
I know that adoption is not a sure thing for us, and I know that there are probably many more plunges of the roller-coaster in our future, but I couldn't help but think that DH and I are slightly, just a little bit...expecting.
Infertility, in contrast, is surrounded by silence. When I first told my friends and family, I got lots of sympathy and offers of prayers. But when the period of TTC stretches from months into years, people follow my lead. And since I never seem to want to talk about it, my friends never bring it up.
After years of silence, I was unprepared for the following:
My distant uncle and his wife were in our city were business. They had missed our wedding and wanted to meet DH, so after work, we headed over to their hotel for drinks. After an hours or two of chitchat, my aunt asked, "So, I was so happy to read in your Thank You card that you guys are saving for adoption! How's that going?"
So I told her that the very next day, we were going to send in the initial application form. My aunt and uncle both beamed and said, "Congratulations! We are so excited for you!"
I was completely caught off-guard by this. I am so used to disappointment and its attendant silence, that I couldn't believe someone was actually congratulating us on our plans to build our family.
I know that adoption is not a sure thing for us, and I know that there are probably many more plunges of the roller-coaster in our future, but I couldn't help but think that DH and I are slightly, just a little bit...expecting.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Overdue Adoption Update
I'm about a month overdue on my monthly adoption update. Here's the short story:
Even though Agency #1 had stolen my heart a long time ago, I called Agency #2 just to do my due diligence. It didn't go nearly as well. Even though DH is below their age limit, I was informed that he is probably too old and that a bmom would be unlikely to place with us. They also have a three year marriage requirement, but since their website said that they could make exceptions to this rule, I decided to call anyway. The director said she would have to check with her boss, then never called me back.
Even though I never had my heart set on Agency #2, this was quite upsetting. All I could hear was, "You guys aren't good enough to adopt."
Still, Agency #1 was looking better and better. A couple of weeks ago, DH and I sent in the initial inquiry form. If we pass that screening, they'll send us the long, scary application. If we are accepted, we get invited to an orientation and THEN we get put on the "Available Families" list to wait for a bmom to choose us.
So, after two short months, my adoption updates are now at an end. We will be filling out the paperwork as it comes to us.
I've been having quite a bit of anxiety over this. Whereas before, I was stressed and sad about my body stubbornly refusing to get pregnant, now I'm stressed that these people in [City] will decide that we are unfit parents and reject us.
They say that adoption is no quick fix for infertility. They say that adoption is its own rollercoaster.
Dammit, they were right.
Even though Agency #1 had stolen my heart a long time ago, I called Agency #2 just to do my due diligence. It didn't go nearly as well. Even though DH is below their age limit, I was informed that he is probably too old and that a bmom would be unlikely to place with us. They also have a three year marriage requirement, but since their website said that they could make exceptions to this rule, I decided to call anyway. The director said she would have to check with her boss, then never called me back.
Even though I never had my heart set on Agency #2, this was quite upsetting. All I could hear was, "You guys aren't good enough to adopt."
Still, Agency #1 was looking better and better. A couple of weeks ago, DH and I sent in the initial inquiry form. If we pass that screening, they'll send us the long, scary application. If we are accepted, we get invited to an orientation and THEN we get put on the "Available Families" list to wait for a bmom to choose us.
So, after two short months, my adoption updates are now at an end. We will be filling out the paperwork as it comes to us.
I've been having quite a bit of anxiety over this. Whereas before, I was stressed and sad about my body stubbornly refusing to get pregnant, now I'm stressed that these people in [City] will decide that we are unfit parents and reject us.
They say that adoption is no quick fix for infertility. They say that adoption is its own rollercoaster.
Dammit, they were right.
Saturday, March 16, 2013
CD 1: Procedures and Policies
This is the last time I will announce CD 1.
Why? This is an infertility blog. The odds that I am not pregnant on any given month are far higher than the odds of a pregnancy. In my continuing quest to manage expectations, I'm going to expect my period fourteen days after ovulation.
To help me cope with CD 1, each month, I am going to do one small adoption-related task. This is jumping the gun a little bit. We want to see whether I'm still really infertile post-surgery, plus DH needs a job before we can actually apply to an agency. But adoption-related tasks and decisions will help me feel less desperate when my period arrives again. So for those of you playing along at home: until June, adoption-related updates will signify that another cycle has come and gone.
DH was turned down for a job last week, which was a bitter disappointment, right when my PMS was at its worst. But I started feeling better on Monday, when my period started in full force. Tuesday, I called Adoption Agency #1 with a list of prepared questions, mostly cribbed from Stirrup Queens. Actually, before I called, I had a full-on panic attack. I was convinced that the Agency would be quick to tell me that there was no way in hell any birthmother would choose us to be parents. I expected a long list of questions about our ages (too old, especially DH), our home (rented apartment), finances (lots of medical debt) and mental health (touch and go, most days).
But instead, there was lots of good news. Agency #1 adopts mostly Latino and African-American infants. They place about 25 children a year and have 15-20 families on the waiting list at any given time. The average wait is 6-12 months for 95% of their couples. The five percent of couples who wait longer usually have strict criteria for the birthmothers and potential children. (The agency led me to believe that these are the couples who only want white children who've been protected from any potential harmful substance their entire stay in utero. That's definitely not us.) So....6-12 month wait! That's crazy fast.
The money aspect looks like it will work out for us as well. For our recent wedding, we put the word out that we are saving money to grow our family through adoption and our friends and family were most generous. Plus, I get a generous adoption benefit through work. And the Adoption Tax Credit means that as long as we have the money saved up in advance, we probably will not bankrupt ourselves adopting.
[I would like to take a moment now to reflect on the fact that my (former) RE said that it was a "shame" that I wasn't willing to try IVF because my chances of success were a good 20% per cycle. At a cost of $11-15K per cycle. In what society is it reasonable to pay more than $30K for a chance to parent your genetic offspring?]
So for now, I'm not focused on CD 1, but the fact one day in the not-too-distant-future, DH and I will be parents.
Why? This is an infertility blog. The odds that I am not pregnant on any given month are far higher than the odds of a pregnancy. In my continuing quest to manage expectations, I'm going to expect my period fourteen days after ovulation.
To help me cope with CD 1, each month, I am going to do one small adoption-related task. This is jumping the gun a little bit. We want to see whether I'm still really infertile post-surgery, plus DH needs a job before we can actually apply to an agency. But adoption-related tasks and decisions will help me feel less desperate when my period arrives again. So for those of you playing along at home: until June, adoption-related updates will signify that another cycle has come and gone.
DH was turned down for a job last week, which was a bitter disappointment, right when my PMS was at its worst. But I started feeling better on Monday, when my period started in full force. Tuesday, I called Adoption Agency #1 with a list of prepared questions, mostly cribbed from Stirrup Queens. Actually, before I called, I had a full-on panic attack. I was convinced that the Agency would be quick to tell me that there was no way in hell any birthmother would choose us to be parents. I expected a long list of questions about our ages (too old, especially DH), our home (rented apartment), finances (lots of medical debt) and mental health (touch and go, most days).
But instead, there was lots of good news. Agency #1 adopts mostly Latino and African-American infants. They place about 25 children a year and have 15-20 families on the waiting list at any given time. The average wait is 6-12 months for 95% of their couples. The five percent of couples who wait longer usually have strict criteria for the birthmothers and potential children. (The agency led me to believe that these are the couples who only want white children who've been protected from any potential harmful substance their entire stay in utero. That's definitely not us.) So....6-12 month wait! That's crazy fast.
The money aspect looks like it will work out for us as well. For our recent wedding, we put the word out that we are saving money to grow our family through adoption and our friends and family were most generous. Plus, I get a generous adoption benefit through work. And the Adoption Tax Credit means that as long as we have the money saved up in advance, we probably will not bankrupt ourselves adopting.
[I would like to take a moment now to reflect on the fact that my (former) RE said that it was a "shame" that I wasn't willing to try IVF because my chances of success were a good 20% per cycle. At a cost of $11-15K per cycle. In what society is it reasonable to pay more than $30K for a chance to parent your genetic offspring?]
So for now, I'm not focused on CD 1, but the fact one day in the not-too-distant-future, DH and I will be parents.
Monday, May 14, 2012
The Master Plan
DH was home this weekend, so we had time to discuss big life things. We made a Master Plan:
Western medicine: When my period starts, I will schedule my hysteroscopy to remove the endometrial polyp. Afterwards, I will try to find a holistic gyn or (even better) holistic fertility specialist with whom I feel comfortable. My RE sucks.
TTC/Alternative Treatments: After my hysteroscopy, I will continue all of my mainstream and alternative treatments. We will continue to track ovulation and "actively" TTC until January. If I'm not pregnant by January, I will probably go back to eating and living the way I did before. I'll keep up the Centering Prayer, because it keeps me sane.
Adoption:
-Finances: We will put $xxxx/month towards paying off debt (DH was unemployed for a long time). As soon as our debt is paid off, we will put that amount into savings for adoption. At this rate, we should have enough saved by January.
-For now, we have pretty much decided to forego trying to adopt from [country of origin]. The program is closed, the procedure is uncertain. There are too many risks involved.
-We have decided to pursue domestic adoption of an infant of color. We will investigate agencies and make a choice by January.
-After the holidays, DH's job will end. In January, we will start getting together paperwork, etc. for domestic adoption.
As for me, I'm swinging between enthusiasm for adopting and despair that I'll never bear a child. All part of the roller-coaster, I suppose.
Western medicine: When my period starts, I will schedule my hysteroscopy to remove the endometrial polyp. Afterwards, I will try to find a holistic gyn or (even better) holistic fertility specialist with whom I feel comfortable. My RE sucks.
TTC/Alternative Treatments: After my hysteroscopy, I will continue all of my mainstream and alternative treatments. We will continue to track ovulation and "actively" TTC until January. If I'm not pregnant by January, I will probably go back to eating and living the way I did before. I'll keep up the Centering Prayer, because it keeps me sane.
Adoption:
-Finances: We will put $xxxx/month towards paying off debt (DH was unemployed for a long time). As soon as our debt is paid off, we will put that amount into savings for adoption. At this rate, we should have enough saved by January.
-For now, we have pretty much decided to forego trying to adopt from [country of origin]. The program is closed, the procedure is uncertain. There are too many risks involved.
-We have decided to pursue domestic adoption of an infant of color. We will investigate agencies and make a choice by January.
-After the holidays, DH's job will end. In January, we will start getting together paperwork, etc. for domestic adoption.
As for me, I'm swinging between enthusiasm for adopting and despair that I'll never bear a child. All part of the roller-coaster, I suppose.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
A Big Step
This morning, I called an adoption agency to inquire about adopting from [country of origin].
We are committed to trying to conceive. For now, I am keeping up with all of my Western and alternative therapies. I will have a hysteroscopy at the end of this month. I will continue to track my ovulation. Nevertheless, we realize that without IVF, it may be years before I get pregnant. It may never happen.
So, we are beginning to look into adoption. Our preference is to adopt from [country of origin], but this is fraught with difficulties. First among them is that their international adoption program is currently closed! The second is that I'm not aware of any adoption agencies in the US that work in [country of origin]. Like pregnancy, adopting from [country of origin] may or may not work out for us. We are open to adoption alternatives: domestic or international, but for now, we're trying to follow this path where it may lead us.
We are committed to trying to conceive. For now, I am keeping up with all of my Western and alternative therapies. I will have a hysteroscopy at the end of this month. I will continue to track my ovulation. Nevertheless, we realize that without IVF, it may be years before I get pregnant. It may never happen.
So, we are beginning to look into adoption. Our preference is to adopt from [country of origin], but this is fraught with difficulties. First among them is that their international adoption program is currently closed! The second is that I'm not aware of any adoption agencies in the US that work in [country of origin]. Like pregnancy, adopting from [country of origin] may or may not work out for us. We are open to adoption alternatives: domestic or international, but for now, we're trying to follow this path where it may lead us.
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