Masters of spirituality such as John of the Cross and Theresa of Avila call that experience of God's closeness and love consolation. The feeling of God's absence or silence is called desolation, or the dark night of the soul. Consolation and desolation happen independently of your emotional state, or of what is happening in your life. My period of consolation coincided with one of the saddest periods of my life.
At the moment, I am in a period of desolation. Unfortunately, this desolation is coinciding with DH losing his job, my waning faith that I will ever get pregnant and, at the moment, horrible PMS and the knowledge that I am not pregnant.
I am finally ready to try Natural Cycle IVF but we do not have the money. We are not paying down debts; we are not saving money for adoption. DH has been looking for jobs, but every lead has come up empty.
In truth, he lost his job months ago, but I was sick of thinking and writing about infertility. I just couldn't write about having to come up with a new plan all over again. And every plan requires thousands of dollars that we don't have.
Above all, I am tired. I am tired of being positive, of swimming against the temptation to despair and depression. I am tired of the never-ending roller coaster of hope and disappointment.
Every month, I think, "Perhaps things will change this month. Maybe we'll finally conceive. Maybe DH will get a job this month." And each month, nothing changes. We do not conceive. DH does not find a job.
Nothing ever changes.