One of the hardest things about infertility is the lack of social acknowledgement. When someone announces a pregnancy, communities respond with heartfelt congratulations, with showers. My friends tell me that when they are visibly pregnant, strangers smile and offer congratulations.
Infertility, in contrast, is surrounded by silence. When I first told my friends and family, I got lots of sympathy and offers of prayers. But when the period of TTC stretches from months into years, people follow my lead. And since I never seem to want to talk about it, my friends never bring it up.
After years of silence, I was unprepared for the following:
My distant uncle and his wife were in our city were business. They had missed our wedding and wanted to meet DH, so after work, we headed over to their hotel for drinks. After an hours or two of chitchat, my aunt asked, "So, I was so happy to read in your Thank You card that you guys are saving for adoption! How's that going?"
So I told her that the very next day, we were going to send in the initial application form. My aunt and uncle both beamed and said, "Congratulations! We are so excited for you!"
I was completely caught off-guard by this. I am so used to disappointment and its attendant silence, that I couldn't believe someone was actually congratulating us on our plans to build our family.
I know that adoption is not a sure thing for us, and I know that there are probably many more plunges of the roller-coaster in our future, but I couldn't help but think that DH and I are slightly, just a little bit...expecting.
How sweet and thoughtful of them! What a pleasant response =)
ReplyDeleteAnd I know what you mean about the lack of social acknowledgment. It's tough. I thought of that after mass this Sunday, when I saw someone ask a visibly pregnant friend, with much concern, "How are you doing?" Maybe they knew each other well, but maybe not. I never have strangers smile at me and ask me, "How are you doing?" even though a lot of days I could really use the acknowledgement! And it is hard to know how to bring it up, and how often. I feel like such a broken record...
Anyway, I'll say congratulations to you too as you move forward with adoption plans! Many prayers too.
Yeah, I wish social acknowledgement didn't mean as much as it does, but I think that's true for everyone. Motherhood is hard and no one says that it's easy, but mothers are socially validated. Wanting to be a mother when it's not happening, and having no social recognition of your pain...it's such an isolating feeling.
DeleteI'm backed up on comments on blogs, but I'll head over soon.
I've often heard that when you are approved and waiting for a birth mom to chose you that you are "pregnant on paper," it's like the BFP for adoption (only there's no 9-month window, could be shorter or longer!) Maybe sending in the paperwork is like "conception on paper" - again, there's no 2WW time guarantee, and there's still so much unknown :).
ReplyDeleteOr maybe I'm just tired and not making any sense - ha!
And yes, Congratulations!!!!! I can't wait to follow your adoption journey!
Ahhh! That's awesome! What a wonderful feeling that must have been! And I really like what Rebecca said. I think that makes sense. I'm excited to follow your adoption journey as well. Congratulations! :)
ReplyDeleteThanks so much, Waiting, Rebecca, and Ecce! I'm so touched that you guys share in my happiness.
ReplyDeleteI love your family members' reaction, you deserve a congrats!
ReplyDeleteHang in there! And don't lose sight of the dream to begin your family!
ReplyDeleteBlessings,
Delana
http://nineyearpregnancy.wordpress.com/2012/05/02/7-tips-for-the-adoption-journey/ surviving the wait
http://nineyearpregnancy.wordpress.com/2013/02/04/what-is-a-paper-pregnancy/
I love this!! Made me tear up. Congratulations are definitely in order and I really hope your adoption journey is much easier than TTC has been.
ReplyDelete