Thanks to all who replied to my questions about TEBB. I think I'm going to schedule a visit with my pelvic pain specialist when I'm having the weird clotting black spotting and make him do some cultures. If nothing odd turns up, perhaps I'll revisit after we adopt. To be perfectly honest, I'm not entirely sure that it's a good idea to throw antibiotics at every case of TEBB, especially in the absence of positive cultures. Antibiotics wipe out good bacteria, not only in the digestive tract, but in the sinus cavities, ear canal, vagina, etc., and it can take a long time to rebuild.
But for now I need to be done with TTC for my own mental health.
We went to our adoption orientation, and it was fantastic. The agency seems to be a good fit with our values and ethos, the other couples were lovely, and best of all, they were very reassuring that they only accept as many couples as they anticipate placing within a year, and they only accept couples whom they feel are a good match for their birthmothers!
Despite all this reassurance, I'm struggling a bit.
The first issue is that we need to send in our big fat check. Once we do this, it's irrevocable. The money is gone, and it's a lot of money. DH and I have been discerning adoption for years now, and we had agreed that this is our best bet for becoming parents. We asked ourselves whether we could really pursue open adoption, and decided that not only could we do it, we didn't want any other kind of adoption. But now that we are on the verge of mailing the big fat check, I'm hesitating.
I want the safety and security of what is known: our current childless life. I'm like a child afraid of the dark. I'm afraid of where this path will lead. I'm afraid of the heartache that adoption, and parenthood, will inevitably bring. I'm afraid of the unknown and the unseen.
Praying for peace for you. That does sound scary - I'm a total wimp when it comes to money! And the uncertainty of adoption seems really hard too. I know what you mean about the status quo seeming safer and easier, even if you know it's missing something that could make it even better. Keep us updated! =)
ReplyDeleteThanks for your prayers and compassion, Ecce. I feel selfish to be whining about coming closer to being parents when I've been so far for so long....and when there are so many others who are longing for what I have.
DeleteBut I wonder if most people go through this on their way to parenthood?
The whole adoption process is scary to me. I'm in awe of those of you who are able to navigate it all. Just thinking about that scary check keeps me mostly paralyzed. And yes, I totally know what you mean about the "status quo." I know this life. It is predictable, if painful.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I am super excited for you and am looking forward to the day you announce getting "the call"! Sending lots of prayers your way.
Thanks for your support, Rebecca! We mailed off three fat checks this very morning (two for the adoption agency and one for the homestudy), so it's done. As a woman from our orientation group put it, I still haven't exhaled.
DeleteBut now there is a whole new round of paperwork to tackle. I will say that though the process is scary and overwhelming, I find paperwork way more manageable than trying to conceive. I know why adoptive parents need financial security, stable marriages, health insurance, and an extra bedroom, and it doesn't upset me to have to prove that we have those things. Sitting around stress about whether/when/how I'll ovulate, however, is a whole different story.
SOOOOO excited for you!
ReplyDeleteThe fears and thoughts you have are totally natural. I met another amazing woman through all of our blogs who did adopt last September. Even right after she held her baby for the first while, she still had a head and heart full of questions and fears. But, as she and I kept in touch, she said it's funny to her that she feared the open adoption at all - that she cannot imagine life any other way, and that God's hand is clearly in every step of it, even when difficult emotions surface. And she, her husband, and this baby are beaming. They really embody beauty and love... and hopefully and prayerfully, you will be soon, too! Hugs and love!
That's an awesome story, Ashley Sue. It does help to hear that these fears are normal. I think they are normal even if one is pregnant (Will I be a good mom? What if I don't like my kid? What if I hate motherhood?). But with adoption, since not everyone does it, and it's hardly a normal situation, it's harder to find reassurance.
DeleteI hear over and over again that the child that comes to each parent through adoption is meant to be with their family. I didn't believe in "meant to bes" when I was dating, so it's hard for me to believe it in this case, but maybe it's time to revisit that.
Those fears hit the nail on the head. I've felt all those same things over and over and over again. In starting our home-study, we were getting close to mailing in the "fat check" once the home-study was finished. Now that everything is on hold, and I wish we could mail it in.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your own fears, Mary Beth. It is so helpful to know that they are normal, rather than, say, a sign that I'm not ready or too selfish to be a parent.
DeleteOne day, you will be mailing in the fat check, and I will be reassuring you that the fears are normal!