Fear and Trembling

Today, I received the sacrament of the anointing of the sick in preparation for my surgery next week. Father J anointed my head with oil, he laid his hands on me and prayed that Jesus would keep me in the hollow of his hand during the surgery and my recovery. He prayed that God would guide the hands of the surgeon and everyone who will touch me.

I know that I am loved by God all the time. But it made me feel so special to receive God's love through human hands and through the (extra)ordinary substance of (holy) oil.

Father J assured me that he would put my name on the list of the sick so that all in the parish at all the Masses would be praying for a successful surgery and my quick recovery. This made me feel loved too, by God and by God's people.

The sacrament gave me a moment of peace in what has been a very anxious week. I have irrational fears of needles (I get dizzy before a flu shot), knives, germs (I am afraid of contracting an incurable flesh-eating bacterium in the hospital), drugs (a big reason IVF was never a temptation for me), and pain. I know that most of these fears are irrational, but they are very, very real to me. In addition, I am swamped with work that needs to be done before I go, work that I cannot finish efficiently because I am so distracted by my anxiety.

I ask you, my dear readers, however many or few of you there are to pray for me, as I go into the week of my surgery. Pray that I may have courage. Pray for Dr. S my surgeon. Pray for my DH and my parents as they watch over me.