DH is working out of town. He had been unemployed for a year, which was hard financially, and harder psychologically for him. We decided that living apart for the next several months was worth it for three reasons: 1) it's temporary 2) it will allow us to save money for adoption if we need to adopt 3) unemployment was wearing him down. But the trade off is that it makes timing intercourse with ovulation tricky.
This was my fertile week, but on Saturday DH came down with a terrible cold, followed by a sinus infection and dry cough. I was hoping he could come and visit last night, but he was still feeling too sick. He had planned to come tonight, but when I woke up this morning, my temperature was up and my cervical fluid had dried up.
We missed the egg.
Let the recriminations and catastrophizing begin:
-What if this was my only good egg? The only one that I will ever have?
-Why couldn't he take better care of himself? Of course working 60+ hours a week plus eating out all the time will predispose you to whatever virus is floating around.
-We had to miss last month too because of my saline sonogram and DH's work schedule. We will never have a month that works for us, and even if we do, there's no guarantee that I'll produce the golden egg that month. If we take two of every three months off, the chances that we will ever conceive are that much lower.
-Women with DOR tend to ovulate early. I usually ovulate on day 15-17, but this month, my temp went up on day 14. This means that my ovulation will get earlier and earlier and I'll be in menopause by the time I'm 36.
I know rationally that disappointments come much bigger than this. I know that most of the above points are cognitive distortions, as my therapist would say. I know that my DH deserves better than this.
I know that I deserve better than this.
You do deserve better, so much better. When the road gets difficult, and our dreams feel as though they have been dashed, sometimes the best thing we can do is remember that we deserve better, so much better; and that IF has nothing to do with our value, our worth, our magnificence.
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by, IA! I do love your blog, though I haven't had the occasion to comment yet.
DeleteThank you also for your kind words of support. It's hard to remember that some days.
Oh, I can relate. Every TTC woman can. "OH MY GOSH! WE MISSED THE EGG! AGAIN! IS THAT IT?!"
ReplyDeleteBUT, to relieve your panic over ovulating earlier each month, yes, I KNOW what you are going through - a lot of months, I ovulate before day 10 (seriously?! From fine to that?!), BUT every few months, I don't ovulate until day 18. Or day 36. Or occasionally, the frustrating and depressing day 62. C'est la vie. The moral of that story is that just because you have a speedier ovulation than some other women does not mean it will stay that way - and with proper healthy living and God's grace, you might just get "normal" again. <3 Don't think too scary. Just breath, pray, and keep your face to Jesus. He's got it all, and we've got none of the control (as you know).
Hugs and love!
The ridiculous thing is that I had a ovulations that was one day early one time, and I'm acting like it's the end of the world. Thanks for reminding me that it might not be the same every month.
DeleteIn my obsessive googling, I did find lots of stories of women who ovulated as early as day eight and still conceived. It sounds like you'll be ready for it whenever it happens.