Infertility is NOT God's will

Several months ago, another infertility blogger was lamenting the loss of the children she will not be able to bear. A commenter rushed to assure her that infertility is a part of God's plan for her. (I'm heavily paraphrasing here.) I've heard this kind of explanation for infertility, and although it is always well-intentioned, I find it to be unsatisfying and problematic.

In the Catholic tradition that has shaped me, the purpose of the reproductive organs is to procreate (and of course, to enable sexual pleasure). My uterus and ovaries do not function the way they are supposed to because of illnesses--adenomyosis and diminished ovarian reserve. Disease, cancer, pain--these things are not caused by God. In the Catholic tradition, they are called natural evils. Evil, by definition, cannot be the will of a good God.

Sure, sometimes these things prompt cultivation of virtues of patience and trust. But just as often, such trials turn us into bitter and jealous people. I do not think I am a better person for being infertile. The burdens on me this past year have been in many ways more than I can bear. (I don't talk about my job here, but it has been its own cross.) I have thought about leaving DH; I've had fleeting thoughts of suicide. I've spent days wrapped in resentment of my seemingly-happier sister who's just starting a life with her new fiancé. I've fantasized about being fired from my job. I know that I have a choice about what kind of person I am, but I promise you, it wouldn't even have been possible for me to sin in these particular ways without the unrelenting stress of infertility, my job, and DH's unemployment.

Of course, this raises the classic question of theodicy: If God is good and all-powerful, then why does he permit natural evil at all? Why Hurricane Katrina? Why were the Haitian people who've already suffered so much struck by such a devastating earthquake? Why did my cousin die of breast cancer, two months after her 30th birthday?

Rabbi Kushner argues that God has set up the best of possible worlds, even though it doesn't look that way to us. Augustine says that the fault is not with the world or with illness, but our tendency to rebel against God's will. Though each of these answers is better than "God is trying to teach me something" or, even worse, "God is punishing me for something," I find each of them unsatisfying.

I don't have a satisfying answer to this question. I have come to believe that there is no satisfying answer to this question. Instead, I believe in God's power to draw good out of evil and to make grace possible even in the midst of evil. And I believe in my responsibility to make something good out of my infertility, whether that be making room in my heart and in our home for a child who needs parents, or devoting my child-free time and energy into leaving the world a better place than I found it.

It might be unsatisfying, but it's the best answer I'll ever get.