Thanks to all who replied to my questions about TEBB. I think I'm going to schedule a visit with my pelvic pain specialist when I'm having the weird clotting black spotting and make him do some cultures. If nothing odd turns up, perhaps I'll revisit after we adopt. To be perfectly honest, I'm not entirely sure that it's a good idea to throw antibiotics at every case of TEBB, especially in the absence of positive cultures. Antibiotics wipe out good bacteria, not only in the digestive tract, but in the sinus cavities, ear canal, vagina, etc., and it can take a long time to rebuild.
But for now I need to be done with TTC for my own mental health.
We went to our adoption orientation, and it was fantastic. The agency seems to be a good fit with our values and ethos, the other couples were lovely, and best of all, they were very reassuring that they only accept as many couples as they anticipate placing within a year, and they only accept couples whom they feel are a good match for their birthmothers!
Despite all this reassurance, I'm struggling a bit.
The first issue is that we need to send in our big fat check. Once we do this, it's irrevocable. The money is gone, and it's a lot of money. DH and I have been discerning adoption for years now, and we had agreed that this is our best bet for becoming parents. We asked ourselves whether we could really pursue open adoption, and decided that not only could we do it, we didn't want any other kind of adoption. But now that we are on the verge of mailing the big fat check, I'm hesitating.
I want the safety and security of what is known: our current childless life. I'm like a child afraid of the dark. I'm afraid of where this path will lead. I'm afraid of the heartache that adoption, and parenthood, will inevitably bring. I'm afraid of the unknown and the unseen.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Friday, July 12, 2013
I Need the 411 on TEBB
Since my surgery, my cycles end with 2 days of brown bleeding, followed by another two days of black, spotted discharge. I would describe it almost like a scab that's flaking off inside off me. (It's great that there's no such thing as TMI in the infertile world.)
I've read enough bloggers who are using NaPro physicians to know that this could signal something VERY bad that could require 10+ days of intravenous antibiotics. But I also know that such regimens often don't work.
At this point, I'm pretty much done with TTC. In a few weeks, we leave for our orientation weekend with our adoption agency. My mind is occupied by the homestudy and adoption profile. Once we make the payment to the agency, it really is best if I do not get pregnant. (Not that I can be bothered to avoid pregnancy.) We didn't even try this month because during my fertile time, we were out of town for my sister's wedding, sleeping in my old bedroom with ten other people in the house.
Still, I'm curious about this TEBB:
-Is there any problem with doing nothing? If I do have an infection, is it fine to just let my uterus be infected?
-Why would this have suddenly popped up after my surgery?
-Is there any chance it could be anything other than an infection? What?
-Did you have any other evidence of infection besides the TEBB? (e.g. foul-smelling discharge, etc, abdominal tenderness?)
-Did antibiotics clear up your TEBB? Have you conceived in the time since?
-Are there any non-NaPro physicians (besides Dr. Toth) who buy that TEBB is the result of infection?
-Should I go to my pelvic pain specialist about this? Or would he just laugh at me?
Any and all opinions, experience, anecdotes, and data are most welcome!
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Help, Thanks, WOW!!!!!*
Thank you all for your prayers! We got word today that we have passed the next round of screening by the adoption agency! This means that we are all but approved, pending police clearance and home study.
*More liberal borrowing from Anne Lamott.
*More liberal borrowing from Anne Lamott.
Friday, June 7, 2013
In which I cut my heart out, put it in an envelope, and mail it away
DH and I finally finished the monster application for the agency, complete with 100 supporting documents (slight exaggeration) and 10 pages of essay questions (no exaggeration).
DH is back in school and had a midterm yesterday, so even though I have a terrible cold/flu, it was up to me to feverishly (literally) run from home to work to UPS and back. By the time I got home, my whole body ached, my head throbbed, and my unrelenting cough had returned. I fell into bed and slept for three hours.
And now we wait.
I'm trying not to read up on reasons that an adoption agency would reject an applicant. In our case, I feel like if we were turned down, it would be because of debt and DH's unreliable employment situation. On the other hand, many people turn to adoption after they have maxed out their credit cards from IVF treatments and then they have to borrow against their home equity to finance the adoption. Luckily, DH and I are not in this situation, but we do have some credit card debt, medical debt (from my surgery) and DH has a debt from a mistake he made years ago that we only recently found out about. But it makes us look bad.
Now that the application is finally off our desks, I'm trying to get back to work, stay away from the Google, and not think about it much.
Pray for us!
DH is back in school and had a midterm yesterday, so even though I have a terrible cold/flu, it was up to me to feverishly (literally) run from home to work to UPS and back. By the time I got home, my whole body ached, my head throbbed, and my unrelenting cough had returned. I fell into bed and slept for three hours.
And now we wait.
I'm trying not to read up on reasons that an adoption agency would reject an applicant. In our case, I feel like if we were turned down, it would be because of debt and DH's unreliable employment situation. On the other hand, many people turn to adoption after they have maxed out their credit cards from IVF treatments and then they have to borrow against their home equity to finance the adoption. Luckily, DH and I are not in this situation, but we do have some credit card debt, medical debt (from my surgery) and DH has a debt from a mistake he made years ago that we only recently found out about. But it makes us look bad.
Now that the application is finally off our desks, I'm trying to get back to work, stay away from the Google, and not think about it much.
Pray for us!
Friday, May 24, 2013
The Oncoming Disaster of My Sister's Wedding
Readers, please forgive this excursion into (mostly) non-infertility-related terrain.
My sister's wedding is rapidly approaching, and I am having a really, really hard time with it. Her fiancé is.....hm, well, the best way to put it is that he's really not a functional adult. At age 36, he cannot cook, nor organize his day, nor pack a suitcase in under three hours, nor arrive anywhere within twenty minutes of when he said. He recently took a job on the opposite coast from where they lived. She quit her job and followed him, only to have him fall apart from the stress of his new job. (Not that she told me any of this--I heard it from my parents.) I don't want to reveal too much about his career, but suffice to say that it's close enough to my own field of work that I can say with confidence that although it is stressful, it is hardly neurosurgery. He works 80-100 hours a week because he compulsively re-does work he's already done. He interrupts her work in the middle of the day so that she can come to his office and help him with the work he is too stressed to do himself. I called her on Easter Sunday, and she was by herself, because of course, John* was working.
I don't want my sister marrying this man. The fact that he cannot handle his more-stressful-than-average-but-a-long-way-from-neurosurgery job does not bode well for their future. What on earth is going to happen if she has two children, a husband who works 100 hours a week, and no one to help her with the cooking, cleaning, or childcare, because he doesn't have the practical skills to give the kids a bath?
And then there's the issue of faith. Now, I'm not one to throw stones at someone leaving their religion of origin. (DH and I go to an Episcopal church together; we were married in that church.) But I also don't appreciate slanders either of my religion of origin or my adopted religion. Her fiancé refused to get married in a Catholic church because it "would be a betrayal of everything [he] believe[s] in." My sister refused to get married in a Quaker church because "the service makes [her] uncomfortable." So they hatched this plan to have our agnostic uncle get ordained over the internet in the Universal Life Church and cobble together some Catholic-feeling service with my help. I told my mother that I would not participate in cannibalizing the Catholic wedding liturgy to put together a fraud service, led by a fraud clergyman from a fraud church.
Luckily, my dad put his foot down (he who pays the piper, and all), and he and my mom dredged up an Episcopalian minister who's willing to officiate at their wedding despite the fact that no one in the family (except me, I suppose) has any connection to The Episcopal Church, nor do the bride and groom have any plans to worship at an Episcopal Church once they get married. So they are borrowing a faith tradition to plaster some legitimacy on their wedding without any plans to commit to that tradition long term.
But even this Episcopal wedding is not set. The latest development is that John has suddenly (well, this is the first I've heard of it) decided that he doesn't believe in the Trinity, and banned his mother from singing Mozart's Laudate Dominum at the service, because it ends with the Glory Be. In Latin, a language he neither reads nor understands.
Um, have you looked at the Book of Common Prayer wedding liturgy? It is replete with references to the Trinity. I understand not being able to make a vow "in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit" if you don't believe in the Trinity, but he has a problem with anyone praying to the Trinity at his wedding? Have I mentioned that their wedding is SIX WEEKS AWAY?????
So I emailed my sister, and pointed out the obvious problem with asking an Episcopalian priest to remove references to the Trinity from the BCP wedding liturgy. Her response? "Thanks for the info!"
In my (many) fights with my mother about unwillingness to help with the ceremony, my insufficient happiness, and my "rigidity" and "rule-obsession" I have the impression that my sister's wedding is more important to her than my sister's marriage. Having her family and friends, reunited in her hometown from all over the world has become the most important thing for her. The fact that the bride and groom have not sorted through their conflicting values enough to decide on an officiant and a ceremony, six weeks before the blessed event should give her pause, but it doesn't. I almost think that she would prefer that the wedding go on as planned, and that my sister just get a divorce later, if John doesn't turn out to be the one.
I almost wonder if my sister is planning not to tell John that they have to use Trinitarian references, and then present it as a fait accompli at the rehearsal. Yes, deceit will make a lovely beginning to their life as husband and wife.
My poor father seems to be alone on this. He doesn't like it, but he feels that standing in the way of the wedding will harm his relationship with my sister. I have encouraged him to keep on top of my sister and to make sure that she and John go for their canonically-required premarital counseling sessions at an Episcopal church where they live. If this officiant is going to fall through, either because John will suddenly decide that some priest he's never met should not have authority over his relationship, or because John will refuse to have the Trinity mentioned at his wedding, then my parents need to know ASAP.
For my part, I have wondered if my sister is closing her eyes to the obvious fact that she will have to take care of this man for the rest of her life because of my infertility. Surely the fact that I have had trouble getting pregnant, the fact that two of our aunts suffered the same fate, surely this history has impacted her. Perhaps she's afraid that if she leaves John, she'll miss out of having her own children the way I have. And the thing is, she might be right.
*name changed, obviously
My sister's wedding is rapidly approaching, and I am having a really, really hard time with it. Her fiancé is.....hm, well, the best way to put it is that he's really not a functional adult. At age 36, he cannot cook, nor organize his day, nor pack a suitcase in under three hours, nor arrive anywhere within twenty minutes of when he said. He recently took a job on the opposite coast from where they lived. She quit her job and followed him, only to have him fall apart from the stress of his new job. (Not that she told me any of this--I heard it from my parents.) I don't want to reveal too much about his career, but suffice to say that it's close enough to my own field of work that I can say with confidence that although it is stressful, it is hardly neurosurgery. He works 80-100 hours a week because he compulsively re-does work he's already done. He interrupts her work in the middle of the day so that she can come to his office and help him with the work he is too stressed to do himself. I called her on Easter Sunday, and she was by herself, because of course, John* was working.
I don't want my sister marrying this man. The fact that he cannot handle his more-stressful-than-average-but-a-long-way-from-neurosurgery job does not bode well for their future. What on earth is going to happen if she has two children, a husband who works 100 hours a week, and no one to help her with the cooking, cleaning, or childcare, because he doesn't have the practical skills to give the kids a bath?
And then there's the issue of faith. Now, I'm not one to throw stones at someone leaving their religion of origin. (DH and I go to an Episcopal church together; we were married in that church.) But I also don't appreciate slanders either of my religion of origin or my adopted religion. Her fiancé refused to get married in a Catholic church because it "would be a betrayal of everything [he] believe[s] in." My sister refused to get married in a Quaker church because "the service makes [her] uncomfortable." So they hatched this plan to have our agnostic uncle get ordained over the internet in the Universal Life Church and cobble together some Catholic-feeling service with my help. I told my mother that I would not participate in cannibalizing the Catholic wedding liturgy to put together a fraud service, led by a fraud clergyman from a fraud church.
Luckily, my dad put his foot down (he who pays the piper, and all), and he and my mom dredged up an Episcopalian minister who's willing to officiate at their wedding despite the fact that no one in the family (except me, I suppose) has any connection to The Episcopal Church, nor do the bride and groom have any plans to worship at an Episcopal Church once they get married. So they are borrowing a faith tradition to plaster some legitimacy on their wedding without any plans to commit to that tradition long term.
But even this Episcopal wedding is not set. The latest development is that John has suddenly (well, this is the first I've heard of it) decided that he doesn't believe in the Trinity, and banned his mother from singing Mozart's Laudate Dominum at the service, because it ends with the Glory Be. In Latin, a language he neither reads nor understands.
Um, have you looked at the Book of Common Prayer wedding liturgy? It is replete with references to the Trinity. I understand not being able to make a vow "in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit" if you don't believe in the Trinity, but he has a problem with anyone praying to the Trinity at his wedding? Have I mentioned that their wedding is SIX WEEKS AWAY?????
So I emailed my sister, and pointed out the obvious problem with asking an Episcopalian priest to remove references to the Trinity from the BCP wedding liturgy. Her response? "Thanks for the info!"
In my (many) fights with my mother about unwillingness to help with the ceremony, my insufficient happiness, and my "rigidity" and "rule-obsession" I have the impression that my sister's wedding is more important to her than my sister's marriage. Having her family and friends, reunited in her hometown from all over the world has become the most important thing for her. The fact that the bride and groom have not sorted through their conflicting values enough to decide on an officiant and a ceremony, six weeks before the blessed event should give her pause, but it doesn't. I almost think that she would prefer that the wedding go on as planned, and that my sister just get a divorce later, if John doesn't turn out to be the one.
I almost wonder if my sister is planning not to tell John that they have to use Trinitarian references, and then present it as a fait accompli at the rehearsal. Yes, deceit will make a lovely beginning to their life as husband and wife.
My poor father seems to be alone on this. He doesn't like it, but he feels that standing in the way of the wedding will harm his relationship with my sister. I have encouraged him to keep on top of my sister and to make sure that she and John go for their canonically-required premarital counseling sessions at an Episcopal church where they live. If this officiant is going to fall through, either because John will suddenly decide that some priest he's never met should not have authority over his relationship, or because John will refuse to have the Trinity mentioned at his wedding, then my parents need to know ASAP.
For my part, I have wondered if my sister is closing her eyes to the obvious fact that she will have to take care of this man for the rest of her life because of my infertility. Surely the fact that I have had trouble getting pregnant, the fact that two of our aunts suffered the same fate, surely this history has impacted her. Perhaps she's afraid that if she leaves John, she'll miss out of having her own children the way I have. And the thing is, she might be right.
*name changed, obviously
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Let the paperwork commence!
I so should not be posting this when I'm supposed to be working....but a big fat envelope arrived in our mailbox yesterday. We passed the initial screening and the agency sent us the extended application!
DH and I spent an hour on the short answers for the questionnaire last night. We didn't even start on the essay questions, and we're not even done with the short answers.
DH and I spent an hour on the short answers for the questionnaire last night. We didn't even start on the essay questions, and we're not even done with the short answers.
Monday, May 6, 2013
Expecting--just a little bit
One of the hardest things about infertility is the lack of social acknowledgement. When someone announces a pregnancy, communities respond with heartfelt congratulations, with showers. My friends tell me that when they are visibly pregnant, strangers smile and offer congratulations.
Infertility, in contrast, is surrounded by silence. When I first told my friends and family, I got lots of sympathy and offers of prayers. But when the period of TTC stretches from months into years, people follow my lead. And since I never seem to want to talk about it, my friends never bring it up.
After years of silence, I was unprepared for the following:
My distant uncle and his wife were in our city were business. They had missed our wedding and wanted to meet DH, so after work, we headed over to their hotel for drinks. After an hours or two of chitchat, my aunt asked, "So, I was so happy to read in your Thank You card that you guys are saving for adoption! How's that going?"
So I told her that the very next day, we were going to send in the initial application form. My aunt and uncle both beamed and said, "Congratulations! We are so excited for you!"
I was completely caught off-guard by this. I am so used to disappointment and its attendant silence, that I couldn't believe someone was actually congratulating us on our plans to build our family.
I know that adoption is not a sure thing for us, and I know that there are probably many more plunges of the roller-coaster in our future, but I couldn't help but think that DH and I are slightly, just a little bit...expecting.
Infertility, in contrast, is surrounded by silence. When I first told my friends and family, I got lots of sympathy and offers of prayers. But when the period of TTC stretches from months into years, people follow my lead. And since I never seem to want to talk about it, my friends never bring it up.
After years of silence, I was unprepared for the following:
My distant uncle and his wife were in our city were business. They had missed our wedding and wanted to meet DH, so after work, we headed over to their hotel for drinks. After an hours or two of chitchat, my aunt asked, "So, I was so happy to read in your Thank You card that you guys are saving for adoption! How's that going?"
So I told her that the very next day, we were going to send in the initial application form. My aunt and uncle both beamed and said, "Congratulations! We are so excited for you!"
I was completely caught off-guard by this. I am so used to disappointment and its attendant silence, that I couldn't believe someone was actually congratulating us on our plans to build our family.
I know that adoption is not a sure thing for us, and I know that there are probably many more plunges of the roller-coaster in our future, but I couldn't help but think that DH and I are slightly, just a little bit...expecting.
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