Tuesday, July 30, 2013

TTC is a hard habit to break

Over the past two+ years, I've worried about the following things:

-High FSH
-Periods too long and heavy (pre-surgery)
-Periods too short and light (post-surgery)
-Late ovulation (Spring 2011)
-Early ovulation (2012)
-Blocked tubes pre-surgery
-Blocked tubes post-surgery
-Pre-menstrual spotting (pre-surgery)
-Tail end brown bleeding (post-surgery)
-Asherman's Syndrome (post-surgery)
-Premature Menopause
-Poor quality eggs
-CM too watery
-CM too acidic
-CM too thick
-CM insufficient
-Insufficient endometrial lining
-DH's sperm count
-DH's sperm quality

The vast, vast majority of these conditions never affected me (endo, blocked tubes-pre-surgery) or came and went on the odd cycle (anything related to ovulation timing and CM). In other words, I spent hours--days even--Googling many conditions that I didn't have that I didn't need to worry about.

Now that we're fully committed to adoption, i.e. the big fat check has been mailed off, it no longer matters. It does not matter when or whether I ovulate. It does not matter if my uterus and pelvic cavity are scarred into oblivion.

But I can't seem to stop. I keep Googling, though it must just be out of habit. It's harder to let go of TTC, when it has consumed me for more than two years. I try to turn the page, but my mind keeps me on the TTC train. It's time to let go, but I don't know how.

P.S. My TEBB (tail-end brown bleeding) has mysteriously vanished, just when I had planned to ask my pelvic pain specialist about it. Perhaps it was just that my uterus hadn't fully healed from the surgery until now.


  1. Sometimes I wonder how long it will take to feel normal and not be surfing all of these thoughts all day.

    It's a really beautiful truth you are sharing in this. Thank you. It is so weird to feel that I may not ever be *not* Googling and wondering how to interpret every little thing my body does or does not do. Yet, I have to believe that will pass. Will I be the woman I was before all of this journey? No. We are forever changed, but I have to believe for the better, and in a lot of ways.

    Hugs and love to you, Sweetness.

    1. I too look forward to the day when IF doesn't occupy so much brain space. At our adoption orientation, there were a few couples who had adopted already, and when ask to share their infertility journey, they were all, "Infertility......let me remember what that was like..." I hope to be there one day!!!!

      But yeah, the Googling isn't healthy for me and has got to stop.

    2. Me too! I look forward to normal life again... Infertility thoughts are all consuming and way too emotional!


  2. Praying for you! I yearn for the day that IF seems like a distant and bad memory. I often think life is too precious to spend so much time being sad, angry, and disappointment. God must be trying to make us strong for something.