Saturday, February 23, 2013

Infertility Vacation

I have had a lovely three months. No TTC, no charting, no obsessing during the 2WW.  After a year of thinking of myself as "the infertile one," I once again learned to see myself as a human being. Part of this was a tiny bit of self-delusion. I could almost tell myself that instead of being the couple without children, that we were the couple without children--yet.

But still, it was really good for me to have this time away from TTC. For one thing, after about a year of struggling with very low libido, my sex drive came back in full force after the surgery. I don't know whether this was because my body changed after the surgery, or because there was no pressure to have sex at a certain time on a certain day. Or maybe it was because we hadn't had sex in months by the time DH came home after working away, so I was just starving.

It was so wonderful to have sex just because we wanted to have sex and to reconnect with the idea that sex is pleasurable! and fun! Who would have thought? 

Another positive change was that now that for the first time in about a year, I'm enjoying my work again. Despite the constant drama at work, I really do enjoy what I do and I feel like I make a contribution to my field. 

The most positive thing is that overall, I have learned to love my life as it is. I enjoy good food, a loving husband, making music, my career, working out (I have so much more energy now that I'm not fighting iron deficiency all the time!), pets, church and prayer. I almost don't have time to enjoy everything. While I would like to be a mother and to grow our family, I no longer feel so desperate to have a child. I'm sure the dark times will come again, but for now, I am at peace.

A while ago, I read on a blog that "Infertility should be thought of as a terminal illness. Instead of destroying your body, infertility destroys your spirit." The blog has long vanished from the interwebs, so I don't know what became of the 29-year old whose ovaries had suddenly, inexplicably, and inexorably shut down. 

My advice is as follows: Don't let it. Don't let infertility destroy your spirit, steal your identity, and define your life. I was perilously close to spiritual death by infertility when stepping away from TTC saved me. 

Do what you have to do: adopt, commit to living child-free, focus on your career, hobbies, exercise. Whatever it is you have to do, do it. Just don't let infertility steal your soul. 



2 comments:

  1. I'm so glad you're in such a great place right now. And thanks for the advice--such an important reminder!

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  2. Hi, good to read your words again! I love it: "don't let infertility steal your soul." What a beautiful thing to come away from your infertility vacation with!

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