My mom left today.
There is something abnormal about the way I process separation from my loved ones. The tiny prick of melancholy most people feel when a loved one goes home after a visit is an ocean of grief for me. When I was a child, I would beg my mother not to go shopping without me. I would imagine her death in a car accident; I would imagine her funeral; I would imagine being raised by my father. Twenty-five years later, my mother is not only alive, but well enough to care for me in the aftermath of my surgery.
And twenty-five years later, when she leaves, I sob as if I'm never going to see her again.
Sometimes I worry if my separation anxiety, which happens when DH leaves to work far away, or whenever I leave my family after a visit, will prevent me from being a good mother--the kind of mother who encourages her children to spread their wings, to take risks, and to explore the world outside of home. I will be the mother clinging to her child and howling on the first day of school while the kid looks around uncomfortably and says, "Jeez, mom. I'll be home at 4 pm!"
I wonder if my children will grow up fearful and anxious. And then I think that maybe it's best that I'm infertile, because I'm not sure I can handle the emotional rigors of parenting.
I know I need to work on this, but I don't know how.
I don't know what therapy or processing would make this grief more in line with reason and thus easier to bear.
Hi Sarah, I have just recently found your blog, and wanted to respond to this post because I totally understand that horrible feeling of loss when someone leaves. My husband and I lived for 2 years in a city far away from all our family and friends. It was SO. HARD. My parents would come to visit (they were the only ones who really came to visit us during that time!) and I would have that feeling of complete anxiety and misery when they left because its was like a little piece of home and security and comfort being taken away. I have often also wondered if I am too "clingy" and how that will affect our future children. I think I have come to the conclusion that have to continually I pray about my emotional state, because I know God is sovereign even over that mess, and there will be grace to cover my human imperfections as a parent. At the same time, I am a firm believer in counseling and have been through years of it, so that's always a good option! :) At any rate, I hope you are feeling a little better today. Look forward to getting to know you. And p.s. my blog is currently private, so I'll have to tell my story, but the short is~ I am 34 and we have been TTC since June 2010. So far, I've just been told "mild PCOS" but we'll see....
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your comment, One Day. It helps to know that I'm not the only person who struggles with this kind of separation anxiety. I too feel like my emotional life needs my constant vigilance to avoid sliding into paralyzing depression and anxiety. Yes, God is sovereign over messy, conflicted emotions. Maybe if I do become a parent, God help me find reserves of strength I didn't know I had.
DeleteI do go to therapy. It's marginally helpful. I might need a new therapist, but I've had so many and I'm too exhausted to go therapist shopping at the moment.
I'm sorry about your fertility struggles. PCOS is not something I've struggled with, but it does seem to wreak havoc with fertility.
Hey Sarah, I was just thinking about you and thought I'd send a comment to check in and see how you are doing.
ReplyDeleteI've been praying for you and I hope all is well.
Hi Rebecca,
DeleteThanks for checking in, though I realize you commented weeks ago. I know you are stepping away from the blog during Lent, so I hope you get this. I've been on an infertility vacation for the past three months while I was medically forbidden to TTC. It's been nice getting reacquainted with myself as a human being and not as "the infertile one."
This is our first month TTC since the surgery, so I will be posting again soon.
Praying for you this Lent!