First things first: At the time of this writing, I haven't actually been trying to conceive all that long--only nine months, to be exact. I have several complicating factors, including periods so painful they make me vomit every single month. My pelvic pain specialist advised me to go to see the RE if I wasn't pregnant after six months of trying. My cycle day 3 blood test and ultrasound suggest diminished ovarian reserve, my pain suggests endometriosis in addition to a lemon-sized adenomyoma in my uterus.
So even though I don't have an official diagnosis of infertility, I am terrified. Terrified that I won't be able to have children without a cascade of intervention that I don't want. Terrified that I won't be strong enough to opt out. Terrified that adoption will end in dead ends. I write in the hopes of quelling the terror. I write for courage to face the unknown. I write to find companions on the journey.
I am not an optimistic person by nature, (just ask my DH). I am like Sarah, cynical, doubting, needing to control things. One day, God made her a promise, and such was her cynicism that she laughed in God's face.
I write praying that one day, I will laugh too. But unlike Sarah, I will laugh at God's goodness and generosity to me. One day.
No timeframe makes you more or less able to journal your experience on the fertility roller coaster. I had been a journalist already, and a blogger for years, and despite the fact we had not even started trying yet (we were going to wait six more months - we'd just gotten married), the DAY I got my blood test back from my fertility workup, and was given a POF diagnosis (premature ovarian failure), I started my blog. I had no idea what else to do. Now, I am a year and a few months in (and refuse to believe it's POF - PoAging, yes, but not POF), and my blog has been a large part of my sanity. Well, that and my husband and the all grace of God whom I know will prevail.
ReplyDeleteThank you SO much for sharing your experience. Together, we are stronger for knowing and seeing and reading how unalone we are on this ride.
Hugs and prayers and love to you! And looking forward to when our children get to meet (and us too, for that matter!).
Yay! My first comment!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for your reassurances. I feel somewhat insecure about being accepted in the IF blog community, when I'm not technically infertile and might get pregnant at any time. But this whole journey has been so hard on me, and I find myself really wanting to share my experience and (extensive) reflections.
If I ever make it through this, I will write a book! Until then, thanks so much for your feedback on the blog!